All posts by : mack

For many families, finding out about their child’s condition means hearing medical terms, stereotyped jargon and, for most of us, being talked to in a foreign language. Many have described the day of receiving the diagnosis as like being in a beehive; lots of buzzing and running around, but no recollection or comprehension of what was really happening.

On finding out their child’s condition, parents have the option of finding out more about the diagnosis and trusting their doctor with the condition or choosing not to know anything about it. Considering that most parents will be given a choice to continue or to terminate the pregnancy at this stage, many mothers and fathers want to know what they are ‘up against’ in order to take such a decision. For other parents, knowing about the condition is not about deciding whether to continue or terminate the pregnancy but whether they are prepared to care for a child with special needs or to evaluate the baby’s chances of survival.

Regardless of these reasons, it is important for parents to know where they can find information about their child’s condition.

• Encyclopaedias and dictionaries are always a great resource to begin with. They will give you a basic definition of a specific term used by the doctors and definitions of ‘common’ conditions.
• The internet can be the most efficient way to find information quickly, but beware of unwanted or inaccurate search results. For instance, typing a word could bring you an enormous list of documents including medical reports and fabricated articles. A useful way to search for helpful information is to type in a general search term, e.g. ‘what is Potter’s syndrome?’ and to look for web page results rather than just website results. Indeed, when you do a search for websites, the search engine will look for specific words within a website description.
• Your national organisation for specific types of conditions (Kidney Foundation, Spina Bifida Association, etc)
• Medical specialists and local support groups

There is an approximately 20% chance of being diagnosed a ‘high-risk’ mother to-be in any given pregnancy. The psychological and social impact of such a diagnosis can be tremendous, especially if it recurs after each pregnancy or has had a critical outcome, such as a disability or death of a baby.

The first thing to consider is the amount of stress a mother, her partner and the other family members may experience as a result of the condition. For instance, it may be that the things the mother used to do within or outside the house can no longer be managed. Often tasks such as housework, grocery shopping, paying bills, child-care and other general housekeeping have to be split with the rest of the family, bringing stress, anxiety and re-organisation. Financial constraints may also arise. For example, the mother may have to give up work for a while and may not be entitled to paid leave or may receive a lower benefit payment. Also, from an emotional point of view, the parents may also experience distress or fear of something happening to the baby while feeling angry and frustrated about the situation. Alternatively, it is not uncommon for some parents to try to diminish the potential impact of a high-risk pregnancy by carrying on just as before.

Family members may experience a range of feelings, from denial to blame, guilt and a sense of failure or ambivalence. In some circumstances, denial is potentially harmful to both mother and child. Certainly, some parents may react with disbelief to the diagnosis and continue to run the household and carry out work or other activities just as they did before the pregnancy. Guilt can affect either of the parents; the mother may feel guilty if it is her health that is the source of the risk or the father may feel guilty if he feels he is responsible for the pregnancy. The perception of ‘failing’ in the pregnancy may be problematic if either of the parents associates successful childbearing with success as a man or a woman, husband or wife. Indeed, they may lose confidence, self-esteem, stop trusting their bodies or themselves and may even imagine that everyone around them also regards them as a failure. Another common emotion for the family experiencing a complicated pregnancy is ambivalence or mixed feelings. For instance, the mother may feel worried for her child while also feeling angry with him or her for being the ‘basis’ for the current situation or complications. The father may feel sorry for his wife who is forced to rest in bed, but also feel resentful towards her for having to do all the chores after coming home from work. Similarly, the children may feel happy to be involved in the ‘team work’ while feeling bitter about the new sibling and all the attention around him or her. These are only examples of how the family dynamics may be affected by any enforced changes in family life or its routine following the diagnosis of a high-risk pregnancy. In order to assist with such stress factors and to prevent major crisis within the family circle, here are some suggestions that were found useful by other mothers in similar situations.

• Approach your hospital team – obstetrician, midwife, paediatrician, chaplain, nurses and counsellors beforehand – introduce yourself, and get to know them.
• Have an ‘emergency’ plan ready, in the event that you have to be hospitalised:organise and list who would pick the children up, provide meals, do household chores and so on.
• Learn about your condition and inform your family.
• Employ a cleaner, babysitter or gardener to suit your needs.
• Rearrange family activities according to your health requirements or the instructions of your obstetrician (play games together on the bed for the bedresting mother or watch movies or reading books rather than playing outside for the mother who has to sit).
• Make plans as a family for things you will do after the baby comes home (for example, holidays, rearranging the children’s rooms or shopping trips).
• Relaxation exercises
• Quality time with each family member.

This page is dedicated to all the parents who just received devastating news.  You may be faced with many options you had never heard of previously. You most likely have been thrown into a world you assume was only for others.

We don’t have the answers. Hopefully, Knowing that other parents have been there and how they coped may be useful to you.

I would encourage you to get a hold of “High risk pregnancy and Foetal diagnosis which is a book I wrote after my own experience with carrying Talina to term. It is a simple companion written by parents for parents and provides testimonies, practical and emotional support.  It can be found from Free Association Books and is available from CAPERS bookstore, AMAZON, Footprint, FAB and most online Bookstores.

Emotional and social issues of a high risk pregnancy

The Bombshell (finding out about the diagnosis)

How to find our more about the diagnosis

Questions, options and decisions

Impact on the family

Friends and Strangers

How to enjoy your pregnancy

Creating Memories

Funeral options

“I finally accepted that I couldn’t save my baby and that she would die. But there was one thing I could for her and that was to let her die in my arms. That, I could do for her”

Finding out that your unborn child may have a serious or life-threatening condition may come as a shock to say the least. If you are not in the high-risk category, the shock may be even greater. Many of the parents who receive such terrible news every year are relatively healthy parents between 20 and 30 years old, living a wholesome lifestyle, many of whom have had other perfectly healthy children before receiving this diagnosis.

The parents who provided their testimonies explained they felt as if they had been thrown into a world they assumed belonged ‘only for others’. What should have been one of the happiest moments of their lives had turned into a shattered dream.

In order for parents and the community to make sense of the intense feelings that may follow such a diagnosis, it would be helpful to learn about, pregnancy attachment theory. Kennel and Klaus (1976) described nine steps that occur in pregnancy to explain human attachment. Understanding that most of these steps occur even before the birth of the baby can help us to acknowledge the grief issues that accompany the premature death of an infant or the loss of the healthy child that we had in mind.

• Planning the pregnancy
• Confirming the pregnancy
• Accepting the pregnancy
• Feeling foetal movement
• Accepting the foetus as a person
• Giving birth
• Hearing and seeing the infant
• Touching and holding the infant
• Caring for the infant

The first five steps occur before or around 20 weeks of gestation, which is currently about the time that most parents discover that their child has an abnormality. Most parents have already made plans, named their child, announced the pregnancy to their family and friends and imagined their life with the new baby by that time. Sometimes the child has a condition that is not lifethreatening but involves a lifetime of special care and special needs.

How can parents be expected simply to forget, and to make vital decisions involving the life and death of their child in just a few days?

Many parents have described feeling an awkward sensation of grief while their child was still healthy in the womb, while others even felt guilty and didn’t understand why they would grieve for someone who was still alive and / or a child that would live. This is called anticipatory grief.

Indeed, your child is still kicking and is seen as ‘normal’ but you know that this will come to an end. You may be anticipating the next few months and starting to experience grief-like symptoms (Geldard, 1989). These may be:

• Emotional (sadness, anger, depression);
• Mental (preoccupation with thoughts of the baby, fantasies, fear of going crazy);
• Physical (aching, emptiness, lack of strength, palpitations);
• Social (desire to be left alone, problems communicating, difficulty planning the future).

Although parents experience one primary loss in losing their baby or their dream baby as they imagined him or her, they in fact experience multiple ‘secondary’ losses (loss of their ideals, loss of hope, loss of their family, loss of innocence, loss of security, to name just a few). The pattern for many parents is the same as the one they will experience after the birth of their child; they go through stages of grief. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross (1969) identified five distinct stages of the grieving process: denial, anger, bargaining, letting go and acceptance. Research has shown that it is possible to go through those stages in any order or to go back and forth between stages. It is also imperative to keep in mind that not everyone will reach the acceptance stage.

• Shock (sudden numbness, inability to function normally)
• Denial (disbelieving the diagnosis, trying to find a solution)
• Guilt (the parents may wonder what they did, perhaps ate or drank, to make their baby sick)
• Anger (parents may be angry with the medical staff for what they did or did not do, or with friends for smoking in front of the pregnant mother etc.)
• Acceptance (the parents may come to terms with the diagnosis, decide about the funeral or special care the child will need).

‘Anticipatory grief is more than just pre-death grief symptoms over a few months. It is a journey towards the ultimate loss but is composed of many losses of the past, present and future’ (Gilbert, 1996, p. 269).