All posts by : mack

I was expecting my second baby and things could not have been better. Sara was a little over 4 years and was so happy to have a new baby brother or sister to play with.   I went to have my scan early because we were supposed to go on Holidays for a few weeks and I didn?t want to wait too long. I went by myself and through a long series of tests; we were told our baby had Down syndrome.  Needless to say we postponed our holidays.

I was devastated; I came from a family of overachievers and believed in success in life. My husband was really upset because we had found out the baby was a boy. He overnight stopped picturing his son at his side, playing cricket and imagined a life with a boy who would never fill any of the dreams we had for him.

It sounds really harsh but unfortunately that is what everybody believed, our family, our friends and our son?s own parents.  The pregnancy was not the best, some people asked us why we didn?t terminate and quite frankly we wondered. I guess we felt ?guilty?, were overwhelmed by the news, and had no support.

We had bought the usual baby things but didn?t have the excitement that should have come with it. Our little girl ironically didn?t care. The only thing she asked was whether the baby would play with her and cuddle her.  We should have learnt from her at that stage but we were not ready.

The labour was nice and easy and the moment I heard the baby cry I was a little scared. They put our son in my arm, my husband and I looked at each other stunned; he was beautiful.  He looked like a baby; he had a lovely body, skin and little black hair. The midwife who knew we had difficulties dealing with his diagnosis offered to take him away, and to her astonishment, we refused. There was no way anyone would take my son away from me. He was mine, he was perfect and we would all grow together.  From that moment onward, we ?educated? ourselves, we read, we talked to doctors and we met up with other parents. Our son was doing all the things babies do and he was a source of joy. Our daughter enjoyed helping bathing, feeding and even changing Daniel?s nappies!  When I think about all the ideas we had about our son?s condition and our life to be with him, I can help but realising how wrong we were and how happy we are with our two beautiful children.

Daniel is now four. He loves going to playgroup and is so caring with the other children. He loves clothes; he has a favourite Monster T-Shirt that he wears all the time. He goes into my bathroom and helps himself to my hair mousse to make his hair ?like a kookaburra?.  At night, when he is tired, he will lie in front of the TV with his favourite bear and will watch his favourite video ?Napoleon?.  He is my baby, my special boy.  Sometimes he takes care of me when I am tired or upset, and cuddles all of us.  Daniel loves to play with his daddy, they run around the garden and play fights?Daniel has been nothing but joy and progress. He talks well, his behaviour is loving and his has lots of friends. Of course, the day will come where he will have to attend a special school and some of his abilities may ?slow down? but for us Daniel is nothing less than a perfect child and he has not prevented us from dreaming. Our dreams did change but only for the best, we learnt to be understanding, to have an unconditional regard for other people and to focus on strengths rather than weaknesses.  If today we were told we were expecting a Down syndrome child, we wouldn?t have all the false ideas we had then, and we would start planning the birth of another very special baby and celebrate!

My story begins on July 12, 1998. I think I will remember that day, as well as the final day forever.

My husband is military, and we had spent the weekend doing what we enjoy, traveling with a middle ages re-creation group. Nothing felt any different, nothing felt wrong, but I remember, (and will always remember) one of my friends mentioning that I no longer looked as pregnant. I was 16 weeks along. I only thought it was because of the clothing I was wearing, so I didn’t worry about it at the time.

We returned early on Sunday, because my husband had to go to work. I settled down to relax and watch a movie. (The Little Princess…  something else I will always remember.) There was a little pain, but I assumed it was still growing pains. Then, I noticed the blood. I was so terrified. We are stationed in Germany, which made things a little tough. I tried calling the military clinic, but the line was busy. My doctor is German, in a German clinic/hospital, so I called there next. I was lucky. Someone spoke English. They told me to come in right away. I tried to call my husband but he was “out in the field” and could not be reached. So, I drove myself to the hospital, crying and praying all the way.

When I got there, the doctor on call checked me out. He didn’t/couldn’t tell me anything, but strongly suggested I stay at the hospital. My baby was still alive, there was a heartbeat. I was not yet too worried. I thought since my baby was still alive, that I had reached the hospital in time. (Yes, so na?e. My first baby.) I called a friend who worked with my husband and asked him to contact my husband, but as far as I knew everything was still okay.

The next day, the chief doctor checked us out. He told me that my baby had only a 10% chance of survival because my amniotic fluid was almost gone and there was strong signs of infection in my uterus. I started bawling. The friend who works with my husband showed up as they were wheeling me back to my room. I was
still bawling. I told him I needed my husband now. (He drove 2 hours himself to get him…what a wonderful friend.)

Three weeks later, my baby is still alive, there is no more signs of  infection, so the doctor wants to try a “stitch”  where they sew the ends of my cervix together. They were hoping to keep the  amniotic fluid inside, and save my baby. I had been in the hospital the entire time, on strict bed rest (I could only get up to use the bathroom). I decided to give it a try.

I had never had surgery before, I was scared about my baby, I was so scared about surgery.. It was a terrifying experience. But we survived. Everything was fine, except I was still losing fluid. The doctors started talking about handicaps. Without the fluid, I guess the lungs would not develop and my baby would not have room to move, so the arms and legs would not be right. They suggested “abortion” NO!!!!!!!!! I could not and would not do that. (Neither would my husband.)

One week later, contractions started. They thought it was over. They removed the sutures in my cervix and took me to the labor room. The contractions slowed, so they took me back to my own room. (My wonderful husband was there the entire time.) They allowed me to get up and walk (after four weeks, it was amazing I still knew how!) There was still a heartbeat. My baby was still alive. Still fighting for his tiny little life. We had so many people rooting for us. The nurses and the doctors were all surprised that my baby had fought for so long. Everything except the amniotic fluid looked normal. Everything. I still had high hopes. I was in my 20th week. It was still too early to save my baby, but he was still hanging tight. I didn’t think about the amniotic fluid. I simply thought that technology would be able to develop the lungs if I were able to hold out for a few more weeks.
That was when they told me that even if I went to term, without the amniotic fluid, the lungs would not develop and my baby would die because there would be no exchange of air with the blood. I still didn’t give up hope. Maybe my membranes would heal and the amniotic fluid would build back up.

After a week of no change (still contractions, but irregular, still bleeding, but irregular, and still a good heartbeat), they suggested  a German University an hour away. I was all for it. Universities usually have experimental and the newest technology. I started feeling lucky again.

The ambulance drove me to the University Hospital (everything you have heard about German drivers is correct. We drove 140 mph and there were still people passing us). After sitting for many hours they finally checked me out. They used Doppler and sonograms. My baby’s heartbeat had become irregular. It was slowing to 50 bpm. (Was it the ambulance trip? I’ll never know.. But I like to think it was.) The hospital asked me why I was there. I went in the morning and no one fed me or watered me… No one told me where I could get these things either. My husband blew out a tire so was late arriving. I had to do the same paper work twice, and I was put into a room  with four other pregnant women. I just wanted to go back to my old room, where I knew people, they cared, and took good care of me. The doctors told me my baby was dying, and I did not want my baby to die around these strangers. I told them to send me back.

I arrived back at 8 pm. They found me food and put me back in my old room. They all looked so sad. They had tried so hard. They were some wonderful people. I did not sleep that night. I was  having more contractions and I was so sad. I sent my husband home because if anything happened, he could be right there, but I needed to be alone with my baby one last time. (Is that selfish?)

The next morning, the heartbeat was gone, my baby was gone, I started crying quietly. (My husband was there and he was crying too.) The doctors asked if we wanted to induce labor. (I was still having contractions.) We agreed.

I won’t go into details, but it was the strangest, scariest, longest, saddest hour of my life. Yes, hour. They kept me in my room because the delivery room was in use. They had no idea it would go so quickly. The pain was horrific. My husband wanted to do something, but was powerless.

Then it was over. They brought him to us, our little Christopher Defiance. My husband and I agreed that he was defiant to the end, fought long and hard. Maybe it isn’t a normal name, but it fit. He was beautiful. So tiny. He had all ten fingers and ten toes. We  just sat there and cried.

Our priest came in, after I got out of surgery (D&C). He blessed little Christopher. I was so glad he did that. It helped a little. He said our little angel was in heaven.

I love him and miss him so much.
My little Christopher Defiance Bethea
August 18, 1998

click  here  to email Kiersten  personally

Brendan’s story

6/03/1989-7/03/1989

Potter’s syndrome

A poem for Brendan

I Am a Child of God
Original text by Naomi Ward Randall, modified by Nichole Brereton

I am a child of God, and He has called me home.
My earthly journey’s through, but still, I do not walk alone.
He leads me, guides me, walks beside me, helps me find the way.
He welcomes me with open arms–I live with Him today.

I am a child of God, and I have gone ahead.
My earthly life was brief, but oh, such peace and love I gave.
You loved me, held me, gave life to me, and though I can’t stay,
You know that I will always be only a thought away.

I am a child of God, and I will wait for you.
Celestial glory shall be ours if you can but endure.
I’ll lead you, guide you, walk beside you, help you find the way.
I’ll welcome you with open arms, one bright celestial day.

My pregnancy with Brendan

On May 31st, 1988, I miscarried at about 8 weeks.  We immediately began trying to get pregnant again.  Around the middle of August, 1988, I was pregnant again with a due date of March 22, 1989.  On November 22 (about 19 weeks) I went in and had an ultrasound.  I don’t know if they weren’t looking for Potter’s syndrome in those days, or if I had an incompetent technician, or if the difference between 19 and 20 weeks is that big, but everything seemed to be fine.

She said that she couldn’t see much because the baby was “rolled into a ball.”  So I went home oblivious to what was really going on, thinking that everything was going great.  I remember that the baby moved regularly, but it was always like he was vibrating or shaking, none of the pokes and jabs of my first baby.  His heartbeat was always strong and steady.

At about 37 weeks I noticed a hard lump right below my belly button.  I thought it was the baby’s bottom, but when I went to my OB that week he said it was the baby’s head.  He suggested I see a specialist for an attempt at a “version” procedure where they turn a breech baby in the womb.  I was a little nervous about it so I got my husband, Mark to go with me.

Brendan’s Birth

We arrived at the hospital for the version at 8 am on March 6, 1989.  I was nervous because I had heard that it might hurt.  Anyway, the specialist, a Dr. Wallace, did an ultrasound.  He just sat there looking and looking and looking and then he said, “I won’t be able to turn the baby because there is no amniotic fluid.”  Then me asked me if I had noticed any leaking and I said no. The doctor then said that there were two possible reasons that there could be no amniotic fluid.  The first was that the placenta was not working correctly.  The second was that the baby had no kidneys.  Then he quite calmly stated that both of these conditions were quite serious and that the baby was likely to die.

He said he was going to call our OB and arrange for a more thorough ultrasound.  Then he left the room.  Mark and I were both very shocked and frightened and we cried a lot during the interminable wait to get the second ultrasound.  Finally we had the second ultrasound done, several doctors came and looked at it and then they went into a little room and conferred.  Then they came out and said that they couldn’t be 100% sure what was going on but they all agreed that it would be for the best to go ahead and take the baby by caesarean section that day.  I was terribly upset.  I was at a strange hospital with a strange doctor.  I called my OB and he said that he felt that I should go ahead and have the baby at Monmouth, because they had all the best newborn intensive care there. The surgery was supposed to start at 1:30 PM, but didn’t actually start until 5:00 PM.  Mark and I were terribly worried and concerned and didn’t know what to think or do.  Finally, at 5:00 they took me to the delivery room and gave me an epidural.  I began shaking uncontrollably.  My husband had gone to scrub so he could be in the room when the baby was born, but the doctor came in and started without him.  I kept saying, “Where is my husband, Where is Mark?”  The nurse went to find him and brought him back.  He was so nervous that his legs were shaking.

The baby was born unbelievably fast.  The doctors said, “It’s a boy,” and I remember feeling very, very happy, especially for Mark because he really wanted to have a boy.  Mark stood up and looked over the drape to have a look at the baby and when he sat down again by me he said, “He looks very gray.”  Later he told me he thought the baby was dead.  I was still optimistic and told Mark that our little daughter Alison had looked pretty gray, too.The nurses had told me that when the baby was born he would be taken into another room and checked over and then they would bring him right back for us to see.

They never brought him back.  I started asking, “Where is my baby?,” and then I asked Mark to go check on him.  Mark, meanwhile, knew that something was wrong.  He said the nurse grabbed the baby in a sheet and rushed out of the room and she had a terrible look on her face.  He said that another nurse ran in and asked the doctors who were still working on me, “What is the case history on this?”  Mark could see into the next room where the people were working on the baby, trying to get him to breathe, and he could hear them calling over the intercom, “Get Rekedal, get Rekedal!”  Mark thought they meant some kind of drug, but actually Dr. Rekedal was the Head of Intensive Care Pediatrics.

Dr. Rekedal ran in and they all worked on the baby and got him stabilized.  Then Dr. Rekedal came over to where Mark was and told him that he needed to do a lot of tests, but he could tell already that the baby had multiple anomalies.  Meanwhile, I didn’t know any of this was happening because I was back in the delivery room becoming more and more hysterical.  Finally they wheeled me into a recovery room where I cried and cried and cried and Mark finally came in and tried to comfort me, but we were both very frightened and upset.

 Our Bishop, Richard Connolly, came in just at that time and just as he did, three pediatricians came into our room to talk to me.  They said that they were very sorry, but that the baby just didn’t have enough lung tissue to make it and they didn’t expect him to live through the night.  They said he also had a narrowed aorta, and many other problems, but that the problem with his lungs was the most serious.  Mark and I were devastated.  It was so unreal.  That morning we had thought everything was fine and now our baby lay in the hospital dying.

 After the doctors left, Mark and Bishop Connolly went down to see our little son and they gave him a name and a blessing–Brendan Mark Tyler. Mark got to see Brendan in the ICU Nursery but I never did.  Mark says it was probably a good thing because it would have broken my heart.  I couldn’t go to where Brendan was unless I was in a wheelchair and when I tried to get in one I passed out and then the nurses said I had better not try as I was to wiped out from the surgery.  Mark said Brendan didn’t move and he didn’t open his eyes, but if Mark would touch his little hands and feet, he would draw them up close.  So he must have been a little bit ticklish like his daddy.  Mark said that when he looked at Brendan he was reminded of the little character on Sesame Street, “teeny little super guy.”  Brendan was our teeny little super guy.

Brendan proved all the doctors wrong as he did live through the night.  The nurse came at 10 AM and got Mark because they knew that Brendan would die soon.  I tried to go with Mark but was still unable to physically get into a wheelchair yet so he had to go alone. While Mark was gone I kept wondering why Heavenly Father would let this happen to us and to Brendan.  I kept remembering a question from one of Mark’s seminary tests I had graded the night before the trip to the hospital.   The question was, “How can we be sure our prayers will be answered the way we want?”  The kids had answered, “Our prayers must be in harmony with the will of God.”  Mark and I and little Alison had been praying for nine months that our baby would be strong and healthy.  But I realized that that had not been Heavenly Father’s will.  Heavenly Father had wanted Brendan to come to Earth just long enough to get a body, and then return to Him.  I decided that what had happened was the will of Heavenly Father, and that meant that everything would be all right.

After about 10 minutes Mark came back to my room.  He was holding little Brendan.  Brendan looked so sweet and peaceful.  His little spirit had left his body but I believe he was still in that room with us to comfort his mommy and daddy and let them know that he was fine.  I got to hold Brendan for the first time and I told him that I loved him very much and that I had wanted very much for him to come and be a part of our earthly family, but that I knew that he would always be a part of our eternal family, so I would let him go back to Heavenly Father.  Mark and I both held and loved and checked out little Brendan for about an hour.  Mark even held him up to the window so he could get a view of outside. Brendan was a very cute little boy.  He was 5 lbs and 11 ozs. and he was 17 inches long.  He was wearing a cute little blue hat and he was all wrapped up in a little ABC Blanket.  The hospital gave us all those things to take home with us, including his little hand and foot prints.  He had blond hair and blue eyes.  He looked a lot like the Tyler side of the family.  He just seemed to be peacefully sleeping like any other baby.

While Brendan was with us Mark regave him a name and a blessing so I could be a part of it.  Our Bishop came by again while we had Brendan with us, and we got calls from my Grandma and Grandpa, my Mom and Dad and my others brothers and sisters.  It was hard to have to tell them that Brendan had passed away, but their love and prayers were with us even 1000 miles away. Finally we let the nurses take Brendan away and then we had to call our friends who were watching our little daughter and tell them that Brendan had died.  They brought Alison down to see us later that day and she came in like a little ray of sunshine peeping through a great fog.  She was running around asking all kinds of questions and being her two year old self.  It was wonderful to see her.

Brendan’s Funeral

Mark and my mom picked out a beautiful little white suit for Brendan to be buried in, and we arranged to have him wrapped up in the little blue bunny quilt I had made for the new baby.  The nice thing about it was that we had made that quilt at my parent’s house at Christmas, and so every one in my family had got to put a few stitches into it.  The day that Brendan was born had been rainy and snowy and it had been rainy ever since, but on the morning of the funeral it dawned bright and clear.  Mark and I both felt that Brendan’s funeral service was the most beautiful we had ever been to.  Both of his Grandpas talked and gave very beautiful talks.  A sweet friend sang two of my favorite Primary songs, “Families Can Be Together Forever,” and “Love One Another.”  At the gravesite Mark dedicated the grave with a beautiful prayer.  After much thought and prayer we designed a beautiful headstone for Brendan.  The inscription reads. “The Crown Without the Conflict.”

Afterwards

We didn’t know that Brendan had died of Potter’s Syndrome until about 3 weeks after his death.  The ICU pediatrician, Dr. Rekedal had us come in and he told us that Brendan had died of Potter’s Syndrome.  He told us that it means that the baby has no kidney’s or kidney function.  It causes many other problems and babies born with this syndrome are unable to live outside the womb.  He said that it was not genetic in our case, but that it does occasionally run in families anyway.  Mark and I were brave enough to go on to have three other beautiful children but I was a nervous wreck each time.  We will never forget our little angel son and look forward to seeing him again, someday.

click here to email Denee

Welcome to the resource section where you will find a list of some good books available to parents and families.

~~~~~~~~~

When Pregnancy Isn’t Perfect : A Layperson’s Guide To Complications In Pregnancy
(Laurie A. Rich)

High Risk Pregnancy and Feotal Diagnosis;your journey

      (Stephanie Azri)

 Special Children, Challenged Parents: The Struggles and Rewards of Raising a Child With a Disability
(Robert A. Naseef)

 Living in My Skin, An Insider’s View of Life with a Special Needs Child
(Lori Hickman)

The Parent to Parent Handbook, Connecting Families of Children with Special Needs
(Betsy Santelli, Florene Stewart Poyadue and Jane Leora Young)

 In Time and With Love: Caring for the Special Needs Baby
(Marilyn Segal)

 After the Tears: Parents Talk About Raising a Child With a Disability
(Robin Simons)

When a baby dies: the experience of late miscarriage, stillbirth and neonatal death.           (Nancy Kohner) 

 Help, comfort and hope after losing your baby in pregnancy or the first year.   

     (Hannah Lothrop)

Not Compatible with Life: a diary of Keeping Daniel

(Kylie Sheffield, www.trisomyoz.bounce.com.au for a PDF copy of the book)

 Healing together: for couples grieving the death of their baby.                                              

     (Lister & Lovell) 

 A time to decide, A time to heal- for parents making difficult decisions.     

   (Molly Minnick & Mary Ciotti)

 Genetic terminations

(Romeo)  

 Grief therapy for men

(Mundy Linus)

  Precious lives. Painful choices

(Sherokee Ilse)

Receiving a prenatal diagnosis is a very difficult life changing event. There are no right choice and only two sad and painful choices. Some will choose to terminate their much wanted pregnancy. This section is to help you with some suggestions and information.  Some of those sections have been written for families who may choose to carry to term as well.

How to find our more about the diagnosis

Questions, options and decisions

Laws and Medical Info

Impact on the family

Friends and strangers

Creating Memories

The laws regarding termination vary from state to state and from country to country worldwide.  In states and countries where termination is in fact illegal, hospital boards or committees decide on a case-by-case basis whether termination is an option they can offer the mother. For lethal conditions, there is usually no problem in accessing termination in many places. The gestation of 20 weeks is considered a cut off because babies under 20 weeks do not need to be registered. Once again, this cut off varies from state to state and country to country.

Mothers have the choice of inducing labour before the baby would be legally viable. Babies usually pass away during labour, as they are too young and too fragile to survive the labour.

Mothers have the choice to terminate the pregnancy, by means of injecting a drug into the blood stream, which will stop the child’s heart, and the mother then proceeds to a vaginal delivery by induction. This technique is used if a decision is made close to 24 weeks gestation when the baby might be born alive. If you are unable to access a termination publicly you may be referred or ask to be referred to a Private Clinic or to another Hospital or state. Similarly if you do not want a termination but feel unsupported you can ask to see another doctor or Hospital.

Mothers can decide to continue the pregnancy for as long as possible and have their child naturally. If born after twenty or twenty four weeks depending on your country, the baby is eligible to receive both Birth/Death Certificates and treatment (if possible) is given.  Even if your baby is less than twenty-four weeks gestation, you can choose to have a funeral and name your baby. This is very much a personal choice.

Doctors, Case Managers, and Counsellors might be able to assist you in exploring the best option for you.  Once again, there is no right or wrong. It is about living with a choice that suits you as parents.  I would like to stress that whichever solution you decide upon, there will always be someone disapproving who will criticize you for the choices you made. Someone usually who never came close to a making a similar choice, be gentle on yourselves. In all cases, you have the right to a second opinion or referral to another doctor. If no doctor in your area were willing to carry on your choice, that doctor would have a duty of care to explore options for you. This applies whether you wish to terminate or continue your pregnancy.

A Woman and a Fork…

There was a young woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things “in order” she contacted her Rabbi and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes.

She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like to read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in. Everything was in order and the Rabbi was preparing to leave when the woman suddenly remembered something very important to her

“There’s one more thing” she said excitedly.   “What’s that?” came the Rabbi’s reply.  “This is very important the young woman continued. “I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand.”

The Rabbi  stood looking at the young woman not knowing quite what to say.  “That surprises you doesn’t it?”   “Well, to be honest, I’m puzzled by that request” said the Rabbi.  The young woman explained, “My grandmother once told me this story, and from there on out, I have always done so.I  to pass along its message to those I love and those who are in need of encouragement.

In all my years of attending socials and dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say “Keep your fork.” It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming…like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish pie  Something wonderful, and with substance!” So, I just want people to see me there in that casket witha fork in my hand and I want them to wonder “What’s with the fork?” Then I want you to tell them…”Keep your fork, the best is yet to come.”

The Rabbi’s eyes welled up with tears of joy as hugged the young woman good-bye. He knew this would be on of the last times he would see her before her death. But he also knew that the young woman had a better grasp of heaven than he did.

At the funeral people were walking by the casket and they saw the cloak she was wearing and the fork placed in her right hand.

Over and over , the Rabbi heard the question “What’s with the fork”  The story was told  and the pastor told the people , next time you reach down for you fork, let it remind you ever so gently. “THAT THE BEST IS YET TO COME”

shared by Ron….Heavenly Angels

~~~~~~~

I thought of you and closed my eyes,
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother,
And I know I heard him say:
A mother has a baby,
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother,
When your baby’s not with you?
Yes, you can he replied,
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies,
When they leave is not thier choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But theres no need to stay.
I just don’t understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish that I could show you,
What your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile,
With other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow’s where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
“Mommy don’t be sad today, I’m your baby and I’m here.”
So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are Ok.
Your babies are here in My home,
They’ll be at heavens gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother.
It’s the feeling in your heart.
It’s the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,
until their time is done.
They’ll be up here with Me one day,
And you’ll know that you’re the best one!
~Author Unknown~

~~~~~~~

“These are my footprints,
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints
never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
for now I have wings.
These tiny footprints were meant
for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints,
in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel’s tears,
of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in each butterflies’ lazy dance.
I’ll let you know I’m with you,
if you just give me the chance.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints,
are found on Mommy and Daddy’s hearts.
‘Cause even though I’m gone now,
We’ll never truly part.”
~Unknown

~~~~~~~~~~

“Daddy please don’t look so sad, momma please don’t cry.
Cause I’m in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies.
Please try not to question God, don’t think he is unkind.
Don’t think he sent me to you and then changed his mind.
You see I’m a special child, I am needed up above.
I’m the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love.
I’ll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night.
Look for the brightest star and know that’s my halo’s brilliant light.
You’ll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane.
That’s me in the summer showers, I’ll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows.
Know that it’s me planting a kiss upon your nose.
When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug,
Don’t be sad mommy, that’s just me giving your heart a hug.
So daddy don’t looks so sad and momma please don’t cry.
I’m in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies!
~Unknown~

~~~~~~~~~~

Don’t let them say, I wasn’t born
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave
I’ve loved you from the start.

Although my body you can’t hold,
It doesn’t mean I’m gone.
This world was worthy, not, of me
God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face.
You have my word, I’ll fill your arms
Someday we will embrace.

You’ll hear that it was “meant to be,
God doesn’t make mistakes”
But that won’t soften your worst blow..
Or make your heart not ache.

I’m watching over all you do,
another child you’ll bear.
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you’ll understand.

Although, I’ve never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes..
That doesn’t mean I never “was”
An Angel Never Dies……..
~Unknown

~~~~~~~~~~~

Please don’t tell them you never got to know me
It is I whose kicks you will always remember,
I who gave you heartburn that a dragon would envy,
I who couldn’t seem to tell time and got your days and nights mixed up,
It is I who acknowledged your craving for ice cream by knocking the cold bowl off your belly,
I who went shopping and helped you pick out the perfect teddy bear for me,
I who liked to be cradled in your belly and rocked off to dreamy slumber by the fire,
It is I who never had a doubt about your love,
It is I who was able to put a lifetime of joy into an instant.
~Unknown~

~~~~~~~~~~

Your little heart beating so strongly
All those months
Is silent.
Your little arms and legs
Moving so vigorously
Are still.

Milk falling like tears from your mother’s breasts
Will never nourish you.
Your eyes will never sparkle
Your little voice forever silent.

Your mother and father hold you in their arms,
Timidly kissing your soft, smooth cheek
Caressing your tiny fingers
And whispering your name with tears.

We dream of holding you
Of watching you smile and grow
Our love is always with you
Though you will never know.
~Unknown~

~~~~~~~~

We couldn’t wait to hold you
And see your pretty face.
To count your little fingers,
And check your toes are in their place.

It should have been the happiest day
To remember all our life.
But joy had turned to heartache,
No breath, no beat, no life.

We will never see you smile,
Or hear your hearty cry.
We will never be able to dry your tears,
Or share your happy times.

Our precious little Angel,
We will always know your face.
In our hearts and stars forever,
You will always have a place.
~Unknown~

~~~~~~~~~

How quietly he
tiptoed into our world.
Softly, only a moment
he stayed
but what an imprint
his footprints have left
upon our hearts.
~Unknown

~~~~~~~~~~

A million times I’ve missed you, a million times I’ve cried.
If love alone could have saved you, you never would have died.
To some you are forgotten, to others just part of the past;
but to me who loved and lost you, your love will always last.
It broke my heart to lose you, you didn’t go alone,
for my life went with you -sweetheart- the day angels called you home.
For things on earth didn’t matter, but now I feel so alone,
My heart will always be broken, my life will never be whole.
We might be parted for awhile, our hearts will always be together
for one day soon we will hold hands again forever.
~Unknown~

~~~~~~~~~

I have not turned my back on you
So there is no need to cry.
I’m watching you from heaven
Just beyond the morning sky.

I’ve seen you almost fall apart
When you could barely stand.
I asked an angel to comfort you
And watched her take your hand.

She told me you are in more pain
Than I could ever be.
She wiped her eyes and swallowed hard
Then gave your hand to me.

Although you may not feel my touch
Or see me by your side.
I’ve whispered that I love you
While I wiped each tear you cried.

So please try not to ache for me
We’ll meet again one day.
Beyond the dark and stormy sky
A rainbow lights the way.
~Author Unknown~

~~~~~~~~~

They Say There is a Reason

They say there is a reason,
They say that time will heal,
But neither time nor reason,
Will change the way I feel,
For no-one knows the heartache,
That lies behind our smiles,
No-one knows how many times,
We have broken down and cried,
We want to tell you something,
So there won’t be any doubt,
You’re so wonderful to think of,
But so hard to be without.
~Author Unknown

~~~~~~~~

To Mother and Father

There’s a corner up in heaven
Where the little babies play,
And our Blessed Mother watches
All throughout the live long day.
They’re a happy lot, these babies
Sure the reason’s very plain
For they’ve missed the world’s contagion,
Came unscathed, without it’s pain.
“Tis an angel band they call them
And you both should happy be
You’re the parents of an angel
‘Cause your baby’s there you see.
Yes, and smiling down upon you
With an innocent sublime:
Waiting: watching for the parents
He will meet again in time.
You should never be rebellious
Rather thank a loving God
For your little guardian angel
As along life’s way you plod,
With a faith that never falters
Clasping each the other’s hand
Pledge yourselves to meet your baby
In that better happy land.
~Author Unknown

Here are some suggestions to cope with grief although it will not take away the pain. Those were found helpful by parents.

• Time to yourself: After such a loss, you should give yourself at least half an hour a day alone. This time could be used to reflect on yourself or to think about your baby or to do nothing at all. Do not rush back into your ?old? routine, or into important decisions.

• Write: Writing in a journal or a diary can be highly therapeutic. It will help you release your emotions and say things you may not want to tell anyone.

• Cry or scream :Allow yourself to cry or to be miserable. You have lost your child and no one should expect you to be over it after the day of the funeral. Do not keep your emotions bottled up.

• Join a support group:Most support groups offer ?mutual support?, which is support offered by grieving parents to other grieving parents.

•  Learn about grief: Read books, other people?s stories or watch a video. By becoming familiar with grief and its stages, you will be able to recognise what you are feeling and understand your emotions a bit better.

• Practice relaxation, exercises or prayers :Relaxation, exercises or prayers will help you feel physically and emotionally calmer and revitalise your energy

• Talk to someone: You could talk to a friend or a family member or a counsellor. Needing to talk about your baby and your loss is to be expected after losing a child. It will ultimately assist in the grieving process.

• Healthy lifestyle: Try to have a regular and effortless routine so your body is not stressed out or too tired. You should also try to have a balanced diet, sleep enough and avoid caffeine and alcohol.

Many parents have described feeling an awkward sensation of grief while their child was still healthy in the womb, while others even felt guilty and didn’t understand why they would grieve for someone who was still alive and / or a child that would live. This is called anticipatory grief.

Indeed, your child is still kicking and is seen as “normal” but you know that this will come to an end. You may be anticipating the next few months and starting to experience grief-like symptoms (Geldard, 1989). These may be:

• Emotional (sadness, anger, depression);
• Mental (preoccupation with thoughts of the baby, fantasies, fear of going crazy);
• Physical (aching, emptiness, lack of strength, palpitations);
• Social (desire to be left alone, problems communicating, difficulty planning the future)

Although parents experience one primary loss in losing their baby or their dream baby as they imagined him or her, they in fact experience multiple secondary losses (loss of their ideals, loss of hope, loss of their family, loss of innocence, loss of security, to name just a few). The pattern for many parents is the same as the one they will experience after the birth of their child; they go through various and intense grief emotions. The once quite strict grief stages are no longer believed to apply. However some of those emotions would be recognized by grieving parents

• Shock (sudden numbness, inability to function normally)
• Denial (disbelieving the diagnosis, trying to find a solution)
• Guilt (the parents may wonder what they did, perhaps ate or drank, to make their baby sick)
• Anger (parents may be angry with the medical staff for what they did or did not do, or with friends for smoking in front of the pregnant mother etc.)

Anticipatory grief is more than just pre-death grief symptoms over a few months. It is a journey towards the ultimate loss but is composed of many losses of the past, present and future (Gilbert, 1996, p. 269).

Parents who lose a child often go through one or more of the following experiences listed below. 

• Feel tightness in the throat or heaviness in the chest
• Have an empty feeling in their stomach and lose their appetite
• Feel guilty at times and anger at others
• Feel restless and look for activity but find it difficult to concentrate
• Feel as though the loss isn’t real that it didn’t actually happen
• Sense the loved ones presence like finding themselves expecting the baby to be in their crib when you walk in the nursery hearing their cry or seeing their face
• Wander aimlessly and forget and don?t finish things they have started to do around the house
• Have difficulty sleeping and dream of their loved one frequently
• Experience and intense preoccupation with the life of the baby
• Feel guilty or angry over things that happened or didn’t happen in the relationship with the deceased
• Feel as thought they need to take care of other people who seem uncomfortable around them by politely not talking about the feelings of loss
• Need to tell and retell and remember things about the baby and the experience of their death
• Feel their mood changes over the slightest things
• Cry at unexpected times

These are all natural and normal grief responses.  It’s important to cry and talk with people when you need to.  As you go through the process it will be important for you to receive support from friends, family and other significant person that  you can experience your grief in a healthy way.

Whilst we once believed that parents “accepted” their child’s loss and/or grief over time, we now know that many other ways of ‘accepting’ may occur. Those include meaning creation and post traumatic growth. It is no longer believed that parents need to ‘overcome’ their loss, but rather find meaning in it as well as a way to co-exist with the memories of their child.

Grief is a natural life process and yet so very very painful. Losing a baby is every parent’s worse nightmare.

This section wil outline some of the grief stages and some suggestions to cope with grief.

• Grief stages
• Coping with Grief
• Poems