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Mooks Winu

 

Our Baby's Name is Native American.

It comes from the Klamath/Modoc Tribes of Southern Oregon.

 

Mooks means Baby in Tummy

Is pronounced like (books with an M)

 

Winu means Song

Is pronounced like (win-ew) 

 

          

This is Our Story.  The Short Version.  We have to call it the short version, for peace of mind.  To make it short we had to leave out details, ones that are important to us and our family. 

This is a note to all people reading this story.  Our son passed away.  Our websites are a dedication to him and to all those who must experience a similar loss.  We feel for you and are here to offer support if you so need it.

What we know about Mooks Winu.  The birth of our son was such a blessing in our lives.  We are so thankful to be blessed with his presence.  In the time before our son?s passing we learned some beautiful things about him.  We would like to share some of those things with you.  We know that he is very strong to have stayed with us for so long.  He fought and chose to live long enough to let us be with him before he passed.  We spent some lovely moments together in this way.  He is a funny little guy too.  We know this by the way he would play games with us while he was in the belly.  Our Mooks Winu loves attention.  When he was in the belly we would often rub his little bum.  When we would stop he would make a point of moving around and sticking his bum out farther until we started rubbing him again.  We also know that he loves prayers.  Every time we would pray, no matter how late at night, he would wake up and be with us.  We know he is with us now when we pray as well.
 



The Story:

 

When we found out we were pregnant we were so excited.  It was the perfect time for us to have a baby and we were both so ready to be parents.  After some interesting experiences with our OBGYN we decided to have a midwife.  A midwife was more in tune with our personal preferences and cultural beliefs.  This was one of the best decisions we ever made.  If it wasn't for our midwife and her helper this would have been a much different experience.  We have so much love for them. 

My pregnancy was a little rough.  I had nausea for over 5 months and other painful pregnancy symptoms such as serious heartburn.  Even though this was true I was so excited and ready to be pregnant.  I took good care of myself, my partner, and our baby.

We had our first ultrasound at the begining of my third trimester.  We wanted limited medical intervention and we didn't have the money/insurance to pay for one before then.  I was so excited for the ultrasound.  I was very ready to see my baby and we finally decided that we did want to know the sex of our baby.  The ultrasound appointment did not go as expected and from now on I will fear the ultrasound.  There were many signs that something was wrong.
That's how I think of it now.  Even though the signs were present we didn't think things would go as wrong as they did, that we would hear such horrible news.  Sign 1: The ultrasound tech. couldn't see the baby well.  Sign 2: She had to get the doctor to talk with us and look at the ultrasound pictures.  Sign 3: We had to be moved to a more advanced ultrasound machine.
Sign 4: They moved us to a counseling room.  And the Ultimate Sign, 5: They set a brand new box of tissues and two full glasses of water in front of us.  That day we found out our baby had a medical condition.  A blocked bladder outlet.  This is a flap of skin/tissue that prevents the baby from urinating.  During the third trimester most of a woman's amniotic fluid is baby urine.
Because our baby couldn't pee I had very little amniotic fluid surrounding him.  The backed up urine in his bladder caused kidney problems.  But the kidney problems weren't the most devestating of the news.  The lack of amniotic fluid means our baby's lungs didn't have a chance to develop properly.  Our doctor gave us a less than 1% chance our baby would be able to breath after birth.  We were devastated! 

We asked our doctor questions that first day and shared news with our family and everyone we knew asap.  We knew we would need the support.  The next thing we did was go back to the doctor and ask a ton of questions so we could fully understand what was going on.  After that we went to speak with our midwife.  We were afraid she might not want to continue working with us but she was amazing and stuck with us through everything.  We also decided to get a second opinion.  We went to the state hospital.  I was in there getting ultrasounds from the time they opened until after the time they closed. We were there to find out if our doctor was right, if our baby could survive after birth, if there was anything they could do for our baby after he was born or during the pregnancy. During that time we saw a lung specialist.  And the results were unfortunately bad news.  He agreed that our baby would not be able to breath long after birth. There was nothing we could do to help him while we were pregnant or after his birth.  And there was nothing we could have done to cause or prevent this condition.

After our appointments we made some decisions.  We decided to continue our pregnancy and spend as much time with our baby as possible.  We cherished the time we had together.  We learned about our baby in this time.  Our midwife gave us a stethoscope and we listened to his heartbeat every night.  We sung to him, talked to him, and prayed with him.  We named him.
We decided to have a peaceful home birth.  And we decided to carry on as if they baby were healthy, there was no reason for me to change my healthy pregnancy habits, we wanted to care for him in the best way possible.

I went into labor a month early.  Our due date was March 6th.  I was in labor for 4 days. After I was fully dilated I stopped having contractions.  Before my contractions stopped I was able to push some.  After they stopped we tried pushing without the contractions but I wasn't able to get very far with that.  I had horrible back/hip pain.  Those around me believe that I stopped them unconsciously because I know that when I birthed my son he would pass. We tried inducing contractions naturally but that didn't work either.  So after a long time we decided to go to the hospital.Our midwife explained our special situation.  Both our midwife and her helper were with us the entire time, what a blessing.  They induced my contractions at the hospital.  It was the begining of day four and I was very tired so I opted for pain meds.  After a little while I birthed my beautiful baby boy.

They put him on my stomach after he was born.  They didn't take him away and wash him or anything, as were our wishes.  We took lots of pictures both before and after his passing, and both during the pregnancy and labor.  We got to spend an hour and half with our son before he passed.  And it was amazing.  He didn't cry but my partner cried for him.  I couldn't cry at this time.  I was so filled with peace and love.  I had no idea how big my heart would grow and how strongly I would feel my love for my son and our family.  We felt our son breath, we kissed him, we hugged him, we held him, we talked to him, we sung to him, we prayed with him, we saw him open his eyes briefly, and we heard him sing a little song to us.  It was the most precious time in my life.  When he passed it was so amazingly peaceful.

We were blessed with very compassionate caregivers all the way around.

The hospital let us go 6 hours after his birth.  We took our son home.  It was not weird being with in this way.  It was a wonderful blessing.  We took more pictures of him.  We bathed him and dressed him.  Our family came to see him.  We spent some very precious time with him in this way.  We were only allowed to keep him for so long.  So we had to call and have the funeral home pick him up.  This was the hardest part, turning him over.  I kissed him one last time. I loved kissing him on the lips and mouth at the same time.  This is what I miss most.

The funeral home in our area offers cremation services for free for those who lose their infant. We had our baby's ashes put in a stuffed duck.  We keep that duck with us, it is wrapped in his baby blanket and it has a baby hat on.  Before we had to give our baby up we prepared some things to be cremated with him.  We needed to do this and are very happy we were able to.
One of the hardest things I had to go through was going to the funeral home to sign the papers. It was hard because they ask if you want to see your baby again.  And I did so desperately.  I was dieing to have him back.  But I had to say no.  I knew I didn't want to see him that way, that if I did see him again I wouldn't be able to let go.

At first we couldn't be alone. We had family stay with us.  We had care providers come by often.  We stayed at a friends house.  It helped.  The pain, sorrow, anxiety, anger, love is so overwhelming.  Every part of me wanted and still wants to be taking care of my son.  Sometimes keeping ourselves busy is all we can do to help so we aren't overwhelmed by emotions.  This is something no one should have to experience. 

We do not plan on "getting over it".  We will always include our son in our family in every way we can.  We have his pictures in our house and made a memory box of his stuff.  We are also sending out birth announcements with his picture and a letter to our friends and family.  We are in the process of learning how to connect with our son in this new way and learning how to redefine our idea of family, of motherhood, of fatherhood.  We are trying to find peace with our experience so we can move forward in a healthy way.  We will always know our son as our first child and make sure our family, friends, and future children do the same. 
 


We love and miss you so much Mooks Winu!

 

 

 

click  here  to email Natasha personally

 

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